4. Silver is the color of power and unicorns.

3. Cheap and/or free breakfast.

2. Excuse for anything (“Was that speed bump a human body? Must’ve been a senior moment, officer!”)

1. Don’t be an idiot.
2. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
3. Don’t be egotistical or self-absorbed.

These could be stated inversely as The Three Commandments:

1. Be smart.
2. Be funny.
3. Be humble.

As one might guess, The Holly Trinity was established due characters I’ve recently encountered. Particularly regarding #2 and #3: If you’re an uptight prat who can’t learn from less-important people, I merely refer you to this Spoon lyric: “You’ve got no fear of the underdog; that’s why you will not survive.”

Sure, my list(s) are missing a few things. “Be kind,” perhaps, or “be honest.” But really, if someone is smart, funny, and humble, they’re essentially my favorite person. I’ve encountered plenty of smart people, and a decent number of smart, funny people. I’d argue that it’s those rare gems who are also self-deprecating and down-to-earth who are most capable of inspiration. So to those of you who already rock, I salute you.

• What will happen when M-Cer ages? His whole endearingly cute thing would be a little creepy on a grown man. Maybe he can do a Colin Firth kind of aging, where you’re quiet and hot?
• His lusty French alter ego wasn’t nearly bad enough. He should’ve been deliciously evil, a chance for M-Cer to prove that he has more than one mode. Sadly, not so.
• Portia Doubleday being cast as his love interest gives porthole-like insight into the naming convention for ingenues. Take one part Shakespearean heroine and add the name of a book publisher. Future starlet = Viola Randomhouse.
• Portia Doubleday’s character (Sheeni Whatever) was insufferably pretentious. Someone needs to tell her SHE isn’t Michael Cera; HE is; so leave the monotonous delivery, zero emotion, and quirkiness to him. Why his character would like the stuck-up, bland banana peel that was her is unfathomable. Also PARIS? Really? You’re 16 and you want to move to France. Do you also like Belle & Sebastian and wearing cardigans? Congrats, your writer had the imagination of a pencil eraser.

Um for all my whining, I’m EXTREEEMely looking forward to Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, not least because the love interest seems more interesting (read: has hair more similar to mine).

I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

–John Cusack, High Fidelity

No offense, JCus, but I disagree. Sometimes things are simple. I met a great landlord and saw an adorable, squeal-worthy apartment this weekend but proceeded to visit two more, only to realize my gut had been right. I think Teh Gutz are smarter than we know. There’s something magical and intangible and completely unscientific about the feeling you get that tells you, “Run away!” or “This is it!” that can’t really be broken down and analyzed. It’s all of our senses and subconscious quickly churning in a slurpee machine of internal emotion and analysis that happens faster than should be possible, spewing out an instinct you should take to the bank. It’s the layers of analysis that we pour on, bordering on geological, that obscure what we knew, deep down, all along (but painted over or rationalized away out of fear). Those layers, not Teh Gutz, are what deserve a leery second look.

llama: WTF?

emu: I’m sorry. Come again?

llama: You’re always pretending to be me, and people are always thinking I’m you. What’s going on there?

emu: WOW you have a lot of anger. Seeing as llamas have the double-letter thing going on and seem more popular, don’t you think I should be the one who’s feathers are ruffled?

llama: You don’t HAVE feathers.

emu: Sho’ do! Next you’ll be sayin’ I can’t fly. I can lay an egg faster than you can say Cephalopod.

llama: You’re weird.

emu: At least I don’t spit.

llama: You better leave before I send you alpacaing.

1. SexyTime. These members mention wanting to tickle or “play with you” and little else. One person’s sole profile picture was a crotch shot. Stay classy!
2. Copy & Pastyface. The desperate, clueless equivalent of a spammer. Sends a generic, self-centered message with “interesting” details about surfing or general fratty hipness without mentioning anything in your profile. A cursory intro sentence explains he found you by “searching for compatible people” without mentioning what, exactly, is so compatible about you both.
3. Trust Issues. They, seemingly against their will, find one nugget of your profile interesting but are otherwise totally non-complimentary, as if they resent you for being cute and fun. They pin all of the heart-smashyness they’ve experienced on you with an unspoken dare to Prove Them Wrong.
4. The Insatiable. I’m in town for three days! I’m in an open relationship! These people are too busy or already committed for those of us looking for a monogamous relationship lasting longer than summer.
5. I Gotta Feeling. “You’re cute. I think we’d get along.” “Let’s get drinks. I think we have a lot in common.” Translation: You’re cute and I didn’t find anything objectionable/repulsive from a 5-second skim of your profile, and I’m too ADD and don’t have the stamina to actually exchange messages with you to prove I’m not skeezy. Two words: Duh-lete.
6. Mister Touchy. “I give great massages!” “I love to cuddle!” I’ve read both of these at least five times in as many days. Are they trying to prove they aren’t cold robotic arms of code? Trying and failing to be sexy but not creepy? Dude, I’d rather hear “I love [pleasuring women] and I hear I’m really excellent at it too.”
7. The Search Engine. Ask them a simple question and they give an exhaustive reply with little else, as if sheer factual volume will win your heart. Sadly, Google doesn’t keep me warm at night.
8. The Winners. Sure, they were nerds, but so was I! They learned how to actually READ an entire profile and have thoughtful comments about something that genuinely interested them (other than your face). High five them with your tongue.

me also: you have in your heart.

[goes to bed]

Last night, at a gelato establishment a friend and I frequent, I got brave and asked the cute scooper if he had a girlfriend. He smiled and said, “Yeah, I do, but you’re way cooler than she is.” Thanks! So…you’re going to go break up with her now, right? Mmm fail.

Yesterday, a coworker also sent me the link to the video for Devo’s 1981 single “Through Being Cool.” COINCIDENCE? (Yeah, probably.)

But it got me thinking that “cool” isn’t enough anymore–and maybe it never was. After high school, when “cool” is the only currency there is, I’d argue that its value sharply declines. Look no further than the recent hipster hate-a-thon for an example of the backlash. Most people had their lives made a living hell by the cool kids in high school (or so the stereotype goes), and in the blissful period following that, things like money, job success, marital status, and presence of kids are the new measurements of success, not coolness. Coolness is almost uncool, because in the grown-up workplace it not only harkens back to a painful youthful period ridden with superficiality (for some) but it can serve to distract from other, more important qualities, like how productive you are, or how well you work with others. Cool is almost irrelevant (unless you work in marketing or advertising, which is completely different).

I unfortunately did not realize this until now. Following a clichéd nerdy youth (I medalled at Math Olympics and was voted Most Likely to Be a Librarian), cool became the apex. I moved to a cool city, started listening to a cool radio station, and started going to semi-cool shows. Only now, in my late-to-middlin’ 20s, has it become clear that “cool” wins me no points at work and in fact is interpreted by some as shallowness and perhaps compensating for a lack of substance. Oh shit. After substance, intelligence, and a concern for social justice were shown to have absolutely no currency in high school, I slowly started smothering them in pop culture references and matte-gray nail polish. (Not that I’m cool now at all relative to actual hipsters.) Is it too late to become uncool again?

But “cool” of course can mean a host of different things. Perhaps what GelatoGuy should’ve said was “hip.” Or perhaps he what meant by “cool” was actually “interesting, informed, and cute.” I’ll never know. But for the time being, it seems like cool is not enough.

Yeah, these seem to be getting worse as they get longer. Don’t think I can make it to 10…

• 5 silver, 5 black plastic rhinestones
• thin black sharpie
• orange tiger sunglasses
• calculator watch
• women’s one-a-day vitamins, 7/8 full
• garden-in-a-bag pansy from aileen that is either moldy or actually cotton
• address of roommate’s parents
• sour cherry gum
• book club book, may 2010, untouched
• dusty pink RAZR

right now i am obsessed with

• party down
• twitter
• reading tavi’s fashion blog

right now i should be

• sleeping
• flossing
• taking a women’s one-a-day-vitamin