The 8 people you meet on online dating sites

A scant week after rejoining a dating site, I’m ready to slather blatant stereotypes all over the bready surface of its members. Observe:

1. SexyTime. These members mention wanting to tickle or “play with you” and little else. One person’s sole profile picture was a crotch shot. Stay classy!
2. Copy & Pastyface. The desperate, clueless equivalent of a spammer. Sends a generic, self-centered message with “interesting” details about surfing or general fratty hipness without mentioning anything in your profile. A cursory intro sentence explains he found you by “searching for compatible people” without mentioning what, exactly, is so compatible about you both.
3. Trust Issues. They, seemingly against their will, find one nugget of your profile interesting but are otherwise totally non-complimentary, as if they resent you for being cute and fun. They pin all of the heart-smashyness they’ve experienced on you with an unspoken dare to Prove Them Wrong.
4. The Insatiable. I’m in town for three days! I’m in an open relationship! These people are too busy or already committed for those of us looking for a monogamous relationship lasting longer than summer.
5. I Gotta Feeling. “You’re cute. I think we’d get along.” “Let’s get drinks. I think we have a lot in common.” Translation: You’re cute and I didn’t find anything objectionable/repulsive from a 5-second skim of your profile, and I’m too ADD and don’t have the stamina to actually exchange messages with you to prove I’m not skeezy. Two words: Duh-lete.
6. Mister Touchy. “I give great massages!” “I love to cuddle!” I’ve read both of these at least five times in as many days. Are they trying to prove they aren’t cold robotic arms of code? Trying and failing to be sexy but not creepy? Dude, I’d rather hear “I love [pleasuring women] and I hear I’m really excellent at it too.”
7. The Search Engine. Ask them a simple question and they give an exhaustive reply with little else, as if sheer factual volume will win your heart. Sadly, Google doesn’t keep me warm at night.
8. The Winners. Sure, they were nerds, but so was I! They learned how to actually READ an entire profile and have thoughtful comments about something that genuinely interested them (other than your face). High five them with your tongue.

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