BABIES AREN’T ZEN

If you’re female and under 87, you’ve probably seen the Facebook ads for the app Sorority Life, which should have had any one of these alternate titles:

• Sorority Death
• ZOMG You Loved House Bunny, Too?
• My Life Peaked With Bulimia and Painted-On Jeans and I’m Clinging Desperately to the Vodka-Tinged Memories

My extensive personal experience rom-com viewing suggests sororities are the apex of all that is shallow, flamingo-pink, and snootily exclusive based on wealth, class, and arbitrary standards of beauty, so why would I subject myself to a virtual version of a special circle of hell I purposefully avoided IRL? Something tells me Sorority Life doesn’t seek to re-create those mythical benevolent sororities that, like, pick up trash and feed it to homeless people.

I like shopping. I like shoes. And I freely admit to owning Barbie-pink nail polish. But until you show me a sorority-themed Facebook app in which I can also set things on fire and suckerpunch a black bear, I’ll continue thinking Sorority Life is a worthless, vapid repackaging of rigid and archaic gender roles.