BABIES AREN’T ZEN

I freaking LOVE the Oscars (as you know if you have met me for four seconds). Something about that little shiny gold man just turns me on. Or, actually, watching them was an annual Event of my youth. In 7th grade, I was old enough to throw my own Oscar party and posed in a too-big shiny fancy dress of my mom’s with friends by the TV, right after Titanic won best picture. OH THE MEMORIES.

Unlike in 1997, this year I didn’t see James Cameron’s opus (or whatevs) and cry in the theater. (Um, everyone was doing it!) In fact, out of the films that got several Oscar nods, I’ve really only seen…um…Precious. (Do Fantastic Mr. Fox and Sherlock count? Oh, and Star Trek…)

Newly launched to my TO SEE list (wanna come?):

1. The Blind Side. Just shitting you! I have standards, people!
2. Invictus. Um, marketing team FAIL, here. This movie’s about Mandela? I’m so there! Why didn’t they call it Nelson: Based On the Fuckin’ Rad Life of Nelson Mandela, and Also Matt Damon? Me = front row.
3. Up. I 90% like crying in movies, but 90% of the time I forget that. Also…animation? I still haven’t seen that one about the cooking rat.
4. Inglourious Basterds, because I secretly like violence. (Or just Kill Bill.)

If I suddenly Come Into Some Money, then also:

1. Crazy Heart. Is there bowling? And Maggie Gyllenhaal?!
2. Up in the Air. I sigh with irritation at you, George Clooney. When you stop dating models half your age, I will respect you and/or go to more of your movies. Except I already go to a lot, seeing as you’re so charming. Damn you.
3. Nine. I like musicals and Pretty Actresses Generally Established As Fairly Talented, but the marketing team from Invictus must’ve worked on this one too.

Not even if you paid, bought my popcorn, and gave me a foot massage:

1. The Hurt Locker. Uh, WTF is this title? A metaphorical emotional receptacle for one’s pain? A movie about the trials of a sweat-stained gym locker?
2. The Lovely Bones. “I’m young, pretty, and speak in a soft, sad voice because I died!” “I AM A SCARY SERIAL KILLER!” And scene.
3. Avatar. Blue cheetahs as star-crossed lovers? Boooring. And do you know how many times I have to pee in a three-hour period? TWELVE.
4. The Blind Side. ‘Nuff said.

YESTERDAY

(ok, this one happened while looking at a trash can and not actually while peeing, but whatevs)

myself: [throws empty chips bag away and licks fingers] EW! You don’t know where those fingers have been!
my other self: uh, yes i do. they’re my fingers. i, in fact, know EVERYWHERE they’ve been.

TODAY

myself: he’s like the father i never had!
my other self: uh, you HAVE a father.
myself: oh right.

a very smart and thoughtful friend has a post about some problematic aspects of “Stuff White People Like.” thought-provoking and most def worth reading. a brief hit of his main points (which i am hopefully not obscuring):

1. it “reinforce[s] the notion of ‘whiteness’ as an independent reality.”
2. it correlates “good” activities with whiteness.
3. it blurs the distinction between wealth and virtue; potentially dispels guilt upper-middle class white people experience at their/or hypocrisy.

go read it!

Yowza. They’re making babies use Facebook now? To, like, keep in touch with other babies? Why don’t they just call it BABYBOOK? Because that is one book I’d support burning.

i don’t want to go to work tomorrow.

i want to stay home and work on the Xmas Octopus.

…is to not lie at all. You heard me. The best way to…is to not. (Yes, this may sort of be a quote from She’s the Man, repurposed to fit the situation. BUT STILL!)

I’m serious! Don’t lie! If you do, even if it’s for a seemingly good reason like that you want To Fit In and have Friends, it will NOT be as easy to cover up as you thought. Instead of merely agreeing with the other person when they tell you, conveniently, what happened on the show you said you watched, you will say you watched it before they admit they fell asleep and What Happened? and you will stumble, and they will ask Well, What Song? and you will stumble again and look thoroughly stupid or, worse, like you are eternally too much of a pothead or alchie to remember One Song. Then you will feel guilty ALL DAY and imagine the person has IMed all of your other coworkers to say that You Lied To Her, and if you lied about THAT then what ELSE are you lying about, and then you will find out later that the show you SAID you watched WAS NOT EVEN ON LAST NIGHT.

And you will feel horrible.

Because remember how you’re an awful liar and you never lie, mostly for these two reasons, that you are awful at it and it makes you feel horrible due to Lingering Religious Guilt?

Yes. That’s why. So DON’T LIE, people. Learn from my example. I’M GOING TO GET FIRED FOR LYING ABOUT A TV SHOW.

Things not to do on your first day at a new job:

1. Wear a lavender sweater with a pink watch. You will look like a Barbie.
2. Skip breakfast because you were running late and had to get coffee. Your stomach will growl during some sort of orientation presentation and despite taking four pages of notes YOU WILL ABSORB NOTHING.
3. Forget to save your work. Your boss will think you’re an idiot FOR NOT SAVING YOUR WORK. He will remind you to save your work, saying with a grin, “I checked the spreadsheet and it looked like you hadn’t gotten anything done, but I knew that wasn’t true!” You will wish spreadsheets were tangible so you could wallop yourself on the head with one.

People like the people who do Car-Toys radio ads should be aware by now that when I wake up, I am irritable and uncaffeinated, and thus their ads should at least be stabs at intelligence and cleverness. No such luck.

“Wanna plaaaay? Get yer toys,” goes the new slogan, crooned by an unseen guy full of blissful ennui. Thanks for infantilizing me, Car-Toys singer dude. What if I like to play with chainsaws? Do you sell chainsaws at Car-Toys?

for some reason, i keep wanting to call a certain individual recently revealed as a womanizing cretin “GUCCI MOTHERFUCKER.” i thought i had appropriated this insult from radiohead, when in fact good ole thom sings the much kinder “gucci little piggy” in “paranoid android.” only slightly off, right?

i maintain that “gucci motherfucker” is a valid if nonsensical insult to be brandished widely and at will.